Gift From The Heart
by GLOMPU
Summary: Sunnydale was long gone, new slayers were popping up all over the place, and Xander felt like a pirate thanks to his wonderful eye accessory so he felt it made sense to find a nice quiet small town like Forks. Edward/Xander
1. Chapter 1

Gift From The Heart

**Summary:**

Xander thought he was finally through with all the supernatural nuisances in the world after moving to Forks, aka the land that time forgot. Sunnydale was long gone, new slayers were popping up all over the place, and he felt like a pirate thanks to his wonderful eye accessory so he felt it made sense to find a nice quiet small town to relax in. Let all the slayers of the world do the heavy lifting, if they needed him to help with some kind of *gag* research they can call him. Edward/Xander

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Hi everyone this is my first fanfic so please keep comments polite but by all means tell me my mistakes. My grammar is horrible but typically I don't have misspellings very often. Updates will probably not be regular at first since I've got to see what my schedule is gonna be like with something like this. Also I'm gonna set this as M just to be safe because I'm not sure how graphic I will be. Now on with the show.

"Speaking"

'_thinking'_

**-location/time-**

* * *

**- Slayer Central in Cleveland, 11:00 pm -**

_I've never been so happy for Willow to not be around. Delivering big news over the phone prevents puppy dog eyes from her and everyone knows Buffy can't pull them off on me. I've gotten way to use to seeing her covered in gore to believe them._

"Come on Xander. You can't really expect me to train all the new slayers without my guy pal the Xan Man, can you?"

"Buffy, you know I'm not 100% any more and I'd rather get out missing an eye then an arm and a leg. You got plenty of spunky young slayers to put the pointy end in the evil undead. You could even let them practice on Deadboy and Deadboy Light." replied Xander with a smirk.

"Oi!"

"Shut up Spike. Come on Xander don't you want to watch Dawn grow up and give her future dates the shovel talk?" asked Buffy. She knew it was a low tactic using Dawn to get to Xander but was he insane leaving them to retire in a small town named Forks. Come on who lives in a place named after an eating utensil. "I'll even let you hold a shovel while doing it."

"Tempting Buffy but I already spoke to Dawn and she is welcome to come visit me anytime and I made a tape for her future dates to watch. I made Willow promise she'd show it to them after I swore guys don't really suffer brain damage from watching someone crack a coconut with a battle axe. I even let Dawny draw the face on the coconut for fun and filled it with red fruit punch."

_That coconut was good too. Note to self: Buy coconuts and sharpen battle axe. Oh crap Buffy's face looks frozen that can't be good. Blond brains aren't meant to idle in place... they tend to overheat._

"See it's things like that which prove we can't be without you. Who would keep us laughing when an apocalypse is happening?"

Buffy should know she won't win but just like every task she's had she refuses to surrender. After all I can't use Willow's Infamous Resolve Face only to back down now. Time to offer a compromise along with Puppy Dog Eyes set to destroy.

"Buffy if things get really hard you know I'm willing to be there for you. I can research from the safety of Forks for you and still visit you sometimes in the 'evil land of tweed'. I just want a chance to have some semi-safe happiness rather than the traditional run for your life happiness I've had so far."

Excellent she seems be absorbing the information and thinking on it. I hope she just accepts it. I really don't want to leave with her being angry.

"Okay Xander that sounds fair."

_I won? Holy Batmobile Batman. Happy Snoopy Dance._

An evil grin comes over Buffy's face and then she says "I'll have Giles send you plenty of books for research to help with the cause. I'll call you regularly for all our research needs."

_Curse you Buffy. You've been hanging around evil things too much. _

_I wonder if Willow would be willing to hex her to attract women for a while and repel men. Note to self: Buy ice cream, rent chick flick, and schedule a 'just the two of us' hang out night with Willow. If need be I will complement Kennedy to get this favor._

"Great, always happy to help." grumbled Xander. He then returned to packing his duffel. Only about 9 hours until he is on the plane heading to Seattle and then about an hour drive from there to Forks.

* * *

**- 7:00 am -**

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

"X-man get yo' ass outta bed before I come and get you out!" yelled Faith.

_Why does she have to ruin a perfectly good dream? I was just sitting in a garden of golden cream filled Twinkies while 2 hoties sparred using long eclairs as swords and donuts for shields. I wonder if that dream was sexual._

"I guess you don't want the belgian waffles covered in chocolate syrup with bacon, eggs, toast, and a steaming cup of french vanilla cappuccino." yelled Willow.

This got Xander's head to lift up from the pillow. He hadn't seen Willow in person for the past 3 months while she's been in South America. She even made the Xan Man breakfast of champions. He got up and stumbled to the door. Yanking it open he proceeded to give his favorite wiccan the biggest hug in the universe.

"Willow! What are you doing here and did you bake me some cookies?"

Between giggles she responded "I'm here to see you off mister. You didn't really think you could leave without me being there did you? I don't know if you deserve cookies for thinking that way."

"I just didn't want to be a bother to -" which is as far as he got before Faith cuffed him for being an idiot again. It always amazed him how she seemed to look out for him and take him under her wing while at the same time smacking him on a regular basis.

After a great breakfast and shower he was on his way to the airport in the car most likely to have the driver spontaneously combusted if someone rolls down a window. He still didn't think Deadboy should drive him to the airport on the basis of his girls wanting to be able to chat with him. When they all started crying once they got to the airport he realized they did it in the hopes of giving him a group hug beyond all group hugs. Manly man that he was he didn't cry. Really he didn't. He must have gotten some dust in his eye. Maybe Deadboy combusted.

"Get out Xander. Do you need a tissue?" smirked Angel.

_Damn, so I'm crying big deal men can cry. I have to get Captain Forehead before I go. _

_Proper Hellmouth exercise must be maintained. _

_1. Taunt the evil undead..._

"Later girls. By the way Angel remember if you see a light be sure to head towards it and remember to dress for warm weather I hear it can get in the triple digits down there."

_check. _

_2. Run for your life..._

"Announcement. Los Angeles to Seattle flight 119 is now boarding at gate 7."

_check._

Xander made a mad dash through the airport managing to not run anyone over. He learned a few months back that in a mad dash he's safest keeping a wall on his blindside whenever possible. Settling himself in for the long flight he began to wonder what Forks was gonna be like.

_I hope the area is as beautiful as the real estate agent said._

_

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_

Author's Note: Please remember to review to tell me what you think. Huggles.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I forgot to do this in the first chapter so here it is. I don't own the characters of BTVS or Twilight, just the psychological torture that I will put them through in this story.

**-Forks, Washington 2:00 pm-**

_The real estate agent lied. Must remember to send a thank you card to that lady. Preferably an exploding one. Is it daytime or is the clock wrong._

"Excuse me sir, but does the sun ever shine here? I've been in Washington for an hour and the rain just seems to be getting worse the farther we go."

"Welcome to Forks." grinned the cab driver.

We pulled up to what must have been the most beautiful house in the world... that is when it was first built. Now it looks like it will probably collapse on me if I stare at it too hard.

Crack.

Shatter.

Screech.

"What the sunnyhell was that?"

_And where did the cab driver go? At least he took the time to throw my luggage on the ground._

_**Quit complaining and find out what just attacked our new home.**_

Upon entering the house it seemed that for the most part the inside was in good condition aside from a little mold, dust, and probably rusty pipes. As I made my way to the second floor I found a perfect little circle of light on the landing. I soon realized it was comeing from the hole in the bedroom door.

_Oh my god, I bought a house that some psycho lived in. I bet he lured small children in with the promise of puppies and candy only to later shoot them through the hole when they came up the stairs. Then he would slice them apart and marinate them in A1 steak sauce to be cooked later..._

Xander looks to the left in horror of his mounting thoughts only to spot...

_**Or a baseball could have been hit through the old rotten door but please continue with your other thoughts. Was reminding me of when we ate that pig but I bet children would be more tender.**_

_This could also explain the sounds we heard when we got here but who would be playing baseball in a lightning storm? Also on a side note I thought we discussed you not referrencing the pig incident. God why couldn't I have a primal rabit as a roomate in my head instead of the hyena?_

_**Then you would have carpal tunnel in your wrists instead of just craveing raw meat.**_

_Bitch._

_**Pervert.**_

Luckily a knock interrupted the MENSA convention going on in my head or else I know I would have won. As I approached the door I decided to pick up the baseball so that I wouldn't trip over it later. I know me plus object on floor equals a broken Xander which is of the bad. Upon opening the door I was struck with the curious thought.

_How did word spread fast enough for people to know someone lives here._

Blink. Blink.

_Xan brain losing power, attempting reboot._

"Um, excuse me but I was wondering if I could retrieve my baseball? It seems my brother knocked it through your window by accident."

Blink. Blink.

_Quick you idiot make words. Stop staring at the bronze god and say something._

_**You do realize that your the idiot right?**_

"Your... ball... hole... bedroom."

"Pardon?"

_IDIOT must remember to strangle myself later._

_**Yip. Let me do it and I promise I won't make you have those naked dreams for at least a week.**_

_Shut it Cujo. Oh god he's staring at us funny._

"Sorry, was a little surprised that anyone knew someone lived here already. Here's your ball, luckily it only made a hole through the window and bedroom door. I'm Xander Harris by the way."

"Nice to meet you Xander, I'm Edward Cullen. My brother Emmett would be happy to pay for the damage that the ball caused. Here's our home number, feel free to call we're also your closest neighbors. Also just to let you know news travels fast in a small town like Forks."

"Thanks, I'll call him when I get settled. Maybe I can guilt him into helping me fix this place up some instead of paying money."

"I'm sure he'd enjoy that, see around Xander."

"Later." replies Xander as he shuts the door and turns to make his way back upstairs.

_OMG he was such a major hottie... I've been hanging around girls too much. I'm begining to question my sexuality._

_**Please you should have started that questioning that when you had that leather s and m dream about Andrew.**_

_I don't know what your talking about that never happened, besides you can't say he doesn't scream massochist. He looks like a little puppy you just want to take a riding crop to and make him fall to his knees to worship your..._

_**Shut it now meatbag or so help me I will make you have dreams about Angel.**_

Xander slipped on the steps and came crashing down.

Author's Note: Thanks for your patience everyone sorry for the shortness of the chapter. Had power loss for the past couple of days due to snow. Will try to make next chapter longer. Huggles.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I still don't own the characters of Twilight and BTVS.

Small author's note: First of all I have to apologize… life has been doing massive suckage of the bad kind which distracted me from the pretties. Hoping to get back into it by giving Edward's perspective for the day Xander arrived. Also keeping in mind how I organized Xander's thoughts I'm going continue on the route of _Human Thoughts _and _**Non-human Thoughts **_for when Edward's focused on listening to someone's thoughts or having his own_**.**_

**-Cullen Home in Forks, 8:00 am-**

"Edward, I swear on my wardrobe if you ask me about the vision one more time I will start thinking of different songs meant to get stuck in your head."

"Come on Alice, you know that I'm just worried about the family after what we went through with Bella. If you would just explain to me what your vision was about I can help us avoid it."

_**I warned you, you can't say I didn't. This is the song that doesn't end, yes it goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that doesn't end….**_

"Oh god, I give up. Please stop it Alice, I'm begging you."

"Fine but next time I'm going to picture you dressed in a catholic school girl uniform singing "Oops I did it again". I know how to break your mind if I have to."

Emmett and Rosalie returns from hunting "Remembering your crossdressing days Edward?" Emmett said with a smirk.

Growl.

"That was at least 80 years ago and only happened because Rosalie here got a stick up her ass that she wasn't my mate. How she thought crossdressing would make me want her I have no idea."

"It helped you realize you were gay." stated Rosalie.

Growl.

"I'm not gay. I'm bi-sexual or was Bella secretly a man?"

"Sorry Edward but the only emotions I got from you were intense hunger when you were with Bella not lust. Reminded me of Woodstock, I honestly thought you were high and getting a case of the munchies until Carlisle explained blood singers to us. The sex was just a thought you had to try and get around the hunger."

Growl.

"I loathe you all." replied Edward as he left the living room to go to his bedroom.

As a group they yelled "We love you too, Edward."

**-1:00 PM –**

A short blur ran up the stairs and tapped on Edward's door.

"Edward come on, stop pouting in there and come out. We're all getting ready to go play some baseball." said Alice.

"I don't wanna go. You all are mean and evil and fuck like rabbits after a baseball game." said Edward with a pout on his lips.

"If you go I promise I'll convince everyone to go somewhere else to have sex after the game so you can relax here at home."

The door opened then to reveal Edward dressed in some old jeans and a plain white t-shirt with a baseball cap on.

**-2:00 PM-**

_**I can't believe Emmett hit the ball that hard… and why did Alice have to insist that I go get the damn thing.**_

Edward reaches the oldest house in Forks that sits down the road from them only to notice a hole in one of the bedroom windows.

_**Great just great, now I have to climb in there to get the ball and hope that I don't fall through the floor. Wait a minute I hear a heart beat.**_

Edward approaches the front door of the home upon realizing that somebody must be in there and freezes in place at the thoughts he hears from them.

_Oh my god, I bought a house that some psycho lived in. I bet he lured small children in with the promise of puppies and candy only to later shoot them through the hole when they came up the stairs. Then he would slice them apart and marinate them in A1 steak sauce to be cooked later..._

_**Okay that was creative. I wonder if Alice's vision involved a pedophile/cannibal eating the small children in town.**_

_**Or a baseball could have been hit through the old rotten door but please continue with your other thoughts. Was reminding me of when we ate that pig but I bet children would be more tender.**_

_**Okay, that was creepy. Is this guy honestly conversing with himself in his head?**_

_This could also explain the sounds we heard when we got here but who would be playing baseball in a lightning storm? Also on a side note I thought we discussed you not referencing the pig incident. God why couldn't I have a primal rabbit as a roommate in my head instead of the hyena?_

_**This guy really is nuts. He thinks he has a hyena in his head? At least he's unique I guess. Wonder if I still have that old encyclopedia of mental disorders. Going to have to check when I get home.**_

_**Then you would have carpal tunnel in your wrists instead of just craving raw meat.**_

Twitch.

Edward stares down.

_**I hate forever being stuck in the body of a teenager…. stupid hormones. Go down you stupid thing.**_

_Bitch._

_**Pervert.**_

_**I think I should interrupt this before I start hearing this person smack himself.**_

Edward knocks on the door.

_How did word spread fast enough for people to know someone lives here._

Edward stares at the dark haired human that opened the door and catches a wonderful scent.

_**Oh god. He reminds me of the scent of strawberries dipped in chocolate. I wonder if he would taste that way too.**_

"Um, excuse me but I was wondering if I could retrieve my baseball? It seems my brother knocked it through your window by accident."

_**I wonder if his disorder is preventing social interaction with me. He has a beautiful chocolate eye… wait a minute "eye" singular? What happened to him? Did somebody attack him? I'll crush the skull of the freak that did that.**_

Growl.

"Your... ball... hole... bedroom."

_**Is he still recovering from some head surgery because of the eye? I should consult with Carlisle when I get back to him to see if he can get this wondrous man's health records.**_

"Pardon?"

_IDIOT must remember to strangle myself later._

_**Yip. Let me do it and I promise I won't make you have those naked dreams for at least a week.**_

_**He believes this other personality can affect his dreams? Maybe the other personality is his own personification of his ID.**_

_Shut it Cujo. Oh god he's staring at us funny._

"Sorry, was a little surprised that anyone knew someone lived here already. Here's your ball, luckily it only made a hole through the window and bedroom door. I'm Xander Harris by the way."

"Nice to meet you Xander, I'm Edward Cullen. My brother Emmett would be happy to pay for the damage that the ball caused. Here's our home number, feel free to call we're also your closest neighbors. Also just to let you know news travels fast in a small town like Forks."

_**That'll teach Emmett to attack Xander's house like that. I'll even set fire to the game consoles and delete all his recorded sports games from the Tivo… whoah… that was a little much. I think I could have won an over protectiveness competition with Rosalie for those thoughts.**_

"Thanks, I'll call him when I get settled. Maybe I can guilt him into helping me fix this place up some instead of paying money."

_**Oh Emmett will definitely help unless he wants me to show Rosalie his huge porn collection. He knows she'll torch them all if she thinks he's been getting off from the pornos instead of her.**_

"I'm sure he'd enjoy that, see you around Xander."

"Later."

_**I'm so coming back here later to check on him. Wait I have the perfect idea. I'll tell Esme about Xander, she'll make him some food to welcome him to Forks, and I'll deliver it. I wonder if Alice would help me by telling me when he's taking a shower so I can get him to answer the door dripping wet. Maybe even with a small towel clinging to his hips that I can whip off of him just before I press his back against the front door, hike his legs up onto my hips, and grind against him until he's a panting mess ready to explode.**_

Twitch.

Twitch.

Edward stares down.

"DAMN STUPID FUCKING HORMONES!"

Author's Note: Once again I'm sorry for the delay. Life is just being difficult but I didn't want ya'll to think that I gave up on this story. I hope that ya'll enjoyed the glimpse into my Edward's mind. I'll probably make more references to his past throughout the story since he is over 100 years old I figure he did plenty of things in his time.

Also let me know please in a review if you found it hard to keep track of Edward's thoughts and others such as the hyena. If need be I figure I can start people's thoughts with a first initial such as _**E- **_if that makes it easier since he is gonna be the hardest person thought wise to keep from getting lost when reading his POV. Huggles all.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I still don't own the characters of Twilight and BTVS.

Small author's note:

_Non main character Thoughts _

_**Xander/Hyena Thoughts **_

**Edward's Thoughts**

This chapter is again in Edward's POV. The word of the day is deadly projectile pastry of doom.

**-Cullen Home in Forks, 3:00 pm-**

"Edward, I'm in the kitchen. Alice informed me that you would want me to cook something. She also mentioned that you would be best to arrive at 5:30 pm. Now will you fill in the blanks of what she meant?" called Esme.

Edward ran to the kitchen to find Esme with what seemed to be an entire library's worth of cookbooks. Edward decided right then and there that he would definitely have to figure out a proper way to thank Alice for her little bits of direction.

"We have a new neighbor that seems to be all by himself in our old house down the road. Hasn't got anybody nearby and the place is so dilapidated that I don't think he could make himself a proper meal. I thought it would be nice if we maybe welcomed him to Forks with some food." replied Edward with a grin.

Esme stared at him for a moment in surprise before asking "Why are you so concerned with this human's health?"

"Er… no particular reason but I thought it would be suspicious if we weren't neighborly especially since Emmet plowed a hole through a window and bedroom door with his line drive. Not that I actually care… do we still have that kerosene heater we bought for the 'camping trips' we take on sunny days?"

Edward seemed to take off out of the kitchen looking for the kerosene heater. Hoping that Esme would just make some food and stop asking him questions he isn't ready to answer.

"Check the basement for the kerosene heater. There should also be some containers for the kerosene down there as well."

**-Cullen Home in Forks, 5:15 pm -**

Edward put the last of the food in his Volvo. Ran a final check to make sure the food, kerosene heater, kerosene, tent, and other camping supplies were properly packed.

**Excellent I'm sure they have no idea of my feelings for Xander. Nothing unusual about a vampire carrying around flammable liquid and human food… maybe I should have thought more about this before doing it.**

As he left the driveway he could hear Emmett's parting remark. "Remember Edward no glove, no love." As Emmett opened his mouth for another comment a chocolate éclair projectile launched out of the driver's side window of the Volvo right into Emmett's mouth gagging him into silence.

**I knew there was something I used to like about those pastries.**

**-Old Cullen Home in Forks aka Xander's House, 5:30 pm-**

Edward knocks on the door hoping that Alice's time would be worth while. When the door opened Edward was afraid he broke his zipper. There before him was one Xander Harris sweaty, with no shirt on, jeans barely on, and the cutest little pout in all of poutdom, though the pout seemed to disappear when Xander noticed him there with food in his hands.

Twitch.

**Damn you.**

_**Oh my god. I don't remember ordering food with a bronze haired god to spread it on…I smell pastry. Something Chocolaty. Set puppy dog eye to destroy.**_

"I felt so bad about earlier that I thought it only fair to make sure you had food to eat and a safe warm dry place to sleep. So here I am."

_**That means the food is mine… muahaha. Wait safe, warm, dry place so here he is? Does that mean I get cutie cuddles for warmth? I find this to be acceptable.**_

"Thank you very much."

**Damn lack of body heat. I could so go for cuddling him. Cuddling him, rubbing him, massaging him, stripping him, fondling him, licking him…**

Twitch.

Twitch.

Ping.

Edward stares down in morbid fascination to see that his zipper is lying on the ground.

"I better unload the food and supplies. My mom wants me home for dinner soon."

They unloaded the car in silence each with their minds on different things. One thinking of the kindness of this new person he has just met and the other wondering if there is a way to have a zipper made that won't break under vampire pressure. Before too long they had unloaded everything and setup the tent in Xander's living room along with getting the kerosene heater going, the latter being left for Xander to do since Edward plus fire equals a flaming queen of a whole different breed. Edward got into his car and headed towards home with thoughts of his little human the whole way.

**-Xander's House, 2:00 am-**

A silhouette of a man is seen climbing through a window with an orb like hole in it. Creeping slowly and stealthily to the living room where an unsuspecting human lay in his boxers on top of an air mattress sleeping peacefully sans his usual eyewear. The intruder takes this moment to examine the young man's face that looks even younger in his sleep. Slowly raking down his neck, chest…

**Wait are his nipples hard?**

Zooming in on his chest he saw that yes they were and apparently they weren't by themselves as he got down to the man's boxers.

Twitch.

**Maybe if I just handle myself I won't mess up another pair of pants. After all mustn't break my pants.**

Edward quietly unzipped his pants, lowered them and his boxers to the middle of his thighs. He wrapped his hand around himself quietly whimpering as he saw his human twitch and just as he went to move his hand his human sprung up from his sleep with a flashlight already turned on. Edward forgot to pull his pants up and turned around to flee. Just as he was starting to make it up the stairs with the flash light right on his ass he heard.

"Oh my god it's a Will o' the Wisp here to lure me to my death."

Author's Note: Once again I'm sorry for the delay. I'm finding for my first story that I am just horrible at updating on a regular basis. Thank you for all the reviews as they encourage me to keep banging my head on the keyboard to get those perverts in there going. Also to explain that last little bit better I figured that since Xander used to be in the slaying game he would have an U.V. Flashlight for those hard to stab demonic vampires on the run. When that U.V. Flashlight hit Edward's ass the ass sparkled just like it would in sunlight. Xander however not knowing the ass he crushes on can sparkle thought that it was an orb of light known as a Will o' the Wisp. I will try to update again soon with Xander's PoV starting with the mysterious Will o' the Wisp encounter. Huggles all.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I still don't own the characters of Twilight and BTVS.

Small author's note:

_Non main character Thoughts _

_**Xander/Hyena Thoughts **_

**Edward's Thoughts**

This chapter is in Xander's PoV since he was traumatized by the diabolical Will o' the Wisp that is probably traveling at top speed with the remains of his jeans around his ankles to his home… muahahaha.

**-New Watchers Council Headquarters in the Land of Tea & Tweed, 7:00 am-**

A phone rings down through the main hall corridor annoying all in its wake. A young girl hoping to prevent grumpy slayers without caffeine attempting to slay the evil ringing beast rushes towards it.

"Hello you've reached the Watchers Council. If you have the apocalypse we have the time. Dawn speaking how can I help you?"

"DAWN! I need to speak to Giles or Willow immediately I have just had an Oogly Boogly encounter of the sparkly kind and need information."

"Okay Xander calm down. Didn't they send research books to you so that you could be the one turned to for information?"

"No time to pretend to read. There was an actual sparkly orb in my new house… I think it was a Will o' the Wisp. I'm too young to die especially while I have an inner bitch laughing at me."

"Xander, how many apocalypses have you survived? Besides a Will o' the Wisp would only be dangerous if you followed it."

"I wasn't going to follow it up to the second floor where I could fall through the floor."

"Then your fine and don't need help right now. Unlike me who is staring at 30 slayers that your call woke up that didn't get to sleep until about 3:00 am."

"Sorry Dawnie. I recommend emergency donut run with coffee stat."

**- Xander's House in Forks, 2:30 am -**

Xander searches through one of his special supply trunks, tossing stakes and crucifixes out as he continues his search.

_**Where in the 43 hell dimensions did I put that book of spells?**_

_**I thought we agreed that you plus magic was bad for all involved.**_

_**No we agreed me plus magic plus half naked young people walking around is bad… as long as no half naked young person walks by I should be able to concentrate.**_

_**That's right. I remember you going from Latin to Gurgle which then summoned that Fyarl demon.**_

_**Hey we were in Slayer Central… not like the thing got out into the public.**_

As the argument continued Xander finally found the first magic book he properly learned from "Spells and Incantations for the Mystically Challenged". He thought it was for people that are constantly challenged by magical beings/creatures. Turned out it should have been called "Magic for Dummies" but it at least taught him the basics and some real simple spells that even he couldn't mess up when he hasn't had sugar or caffeine.

_**Now where is that spell for guardian of the home?**_

_**GRRR!**_

_**Down Cujo it isn't like you can come out of me to protect the house.**_

Setting up an altar in the living room was relatively easy for the Scooby thanks to his trust emergency altar supply bag. After setting up and lighting the single white candle that the ritual calls for he began.

Се заштитат ова место од злото, кое талка да ги задржи безбедно овој дом. А духот барам помош во оваа услуга, која може да се суди душа правилно со правдата.

_**Okay… that was all she wrote. I hope my Macedonian was okay.**_

_**I still can't believe how many languages you learned doing research when you hardly ever actually researched.**_

_**Shut up Fluffy. I wonder if the spell is like a good pizza place and takes time to create a guardian. Like in 30 minutes or less our soul should be in delivery.**_

A throat clears startling Xander from his musing to reveal a tall man in front of him that seemed to have an air of authority. Guessing that it was the spirit he called for considering the guy seemed to be faded like an old photo Xander picked his tongue off the floor to introduce himself.

"Hi um… I'm Xander."

Blink.

"Sorry if I seemed a bit stunned but most guardian spells I've seen cast summon an animal to do the guardianing… er I mean guarding."

Sigh.

"You have no idea where you are, do you Xander?"

"Sure I do. I'm in Forks, Washington. Do you have a name or should I call you Glass Ass since you look see throughish?"

"You can call me Black and in a way you did get an animal guardian."

Black slowly faded away.

"Hey where are you?"

"Doing my job."

"Okay, well just make sure you don't hurt or scare someone that isn't evil. Especially the bronze guy Edward Cullen, he's been really sweet."

"You have the survival instinct of a Lemming don't you?"

Laughter could be heard after that statement but Xander wasn't worried after all he's survived apocalypses, mummies, mating mantis ladies, and 30 slayers all on the same cycle with no chocolate or Midol in a 30 mile radius. He also still has that magically enchanted battle axe Willow gave him to keep him safe. He can tell who is evil and who is not after all he is the one who sees. Black will see that Xander doesn't have the survival instinct of a Lemming he only wishes he does.

Author's Note: Well another chapter bites the dust. Leave any feedback you feel like. I hope that


	6. Gift Goodbye

Sorry ya'll but I've noticed that many stories seem to be disappearing because of filtration of content of an adult like nature. So since I'm a slight pervert (cackles maniacally) and have been known to curse like a drunken fratboy sailor I'm going to stop my story here since more than likely it may be removed shortly anyways. I wanted to thank you all for the reviews and marking my story as a favorite since it helped encourage me to continue despite my grammatical errors.

Huggles to you all and may you all find places to let your inner pervert/drunk/fratboy/sailor shine… just remember to make him wear an eye patch for Xander.

GLOMPU

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Xander: Wait so you mean I don't get to do the horizontal with the bronze hottie.

GLOMPU: You'll always have his glowing orbs to remember.

Xander: -Blink- What does that mean?

Ephraim: -Smacks Xander- Yup survival instinct of a Lemming.

GLOMPU, Xander, Ephraim, and Edward wave goodbye.


	7. Chapter 7

I am moving this story to Archive Of Our Own under the username... wait for it... GLOMPU, cause I'm all about being mysterious and ninja-like so you can't find me... muahaha...

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(Xander whispers to GLOMPU)

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Crap... how was I supposed to remember my username is the same on this site?

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(Edward whispers to GLOMPU)

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(GLOMPU looks up next to logout button to see username listed next to Logout...)

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Damn

(Ephraim bitch-slaps GLOMPU)

Ephraim: Current chapters should be on the new site soon and there should be a new chapter by next week if I don't kill this whiny little BITCH!

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(GLOMPU sees sinister smile on Ephraim's face as he takes a little blue pill and pulls out a bottle of what looks suspiciously like water from Xander's bag.)

Edward stop grinding Xander through the drywall and help me you bastard... I'm going to become puppy chow... or a chew toy.

Ephraim latches onto GLOMPU's ankle and says "Think again bitch."


End file.
